Volume 13 Nr. 30, Issue 198
Why I Now
Genuflect to Charles Krauthammer
An insightful reader
recently informed me that "the world will always owe
a huge debt of gratitude for all the good things we have done".
As a vehement critic of many aspects of American society and
politics in numerous essays on a variety of topics, I paused when I
read that statement. And I contemplated. The longer I considered it,
the more confused and ashamed I became. My mind was reeling.
Within a period of a few short
hours, my emotional condition had declined to a state
of morose withdrawal and eventually deteriorated to a paralyzing
anxiety with intermittent bursts of debilitating self-loathing.
Words have not evolved that could accurately describe
my pitiful condition.
Thank God there was a
copy of the Kansas City Star near me as
my crisis reached its zenith. Plumbing the depths of
emotional agony, I sat facing the wall,
rocking and banging my head against the textured
stucco to punish myself for my acts of
betrayal. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a fleeting
glimpse of an all too familiar sight. Charles Krauthammer's
tiny black and white photo on the Op/Ed page was giving me his
patented sneer, that malevolent half-smile which I had cursed so
many times in the past. Yet today he appeared much less derisive. In
fact, he had an avuncular appearance as he kindly beckoned me to
from his recently penned piece, which was accompanied by his
reassuring image on the slightly yellowed newsprint. Drawn in by
Krauthammer's irresistible Siren's Call, I halted my
self-flagellation and devoured his masterful drumbeat for war
in which he proclaimed his unflinching support for the Bush Regime's
War on Terror. In that moment, I came to a stunning realization.
Charles Krauthammer is a prophet!
Tears streamed down
my face as I realized how many filthy distortions I had written
about our great nation. How could I ever redeem myself? True
American heroes like Michael Savage, Rush Limbaugh, and
Michelle Malkin courageously risk their lives each day as
they deliver the truth about our noble, courageous, and
benevolent Homeland. The
poor, uneducated masses
they wander in the desert of ignorance in search of the oasis of
knowledge tended by these pillars of American society. Savage and
his fellow purveyors of truth risk Terrorist attacks with each word
they utter or write. Who knows around which corner Osama could be
lurking, ready to strike them down with a dash of Anthrax
powder to the face or a gash of the carotid with a
pair of box cutters. Meanwhile, over the last year, I had written
essay after essay in support of silly, idealistic notions like
social justice, peace and human rights,
even supporting the cause of those evil Palestinians!
It takes the breath away.
I had been playing right into the hands of the Terrorists. How could
I have been so naive? What could I do to make it better?
Desperate, I looked
back at the bold countenance of Krauthammer. Through his stern yet
conservatively compassionate example,
Charles showed me the way. I knew what I had to do.
Feeling calm and determined, I began my metamorphosis and flew
Jumping on my
computer, I opened a new email and quickly composed a few words. In
the subject line, I typed, "
the Beautiful." Opening my address book, I felt a rush of
elation as I sent it to virtually all 3,000 of the liberal scourge
and repulsive foreigners (associates from what was now a previous
life) whose email addresses contaminated
my computer. The email read as follows:
intentions are always good. We may kill a few million innocent
civilians here and there, but you have to crack some eggs if you
want to make an omelette. We Americans are God's gift to
humanity and we can do no wrong! It is time that you liberal
cockroaches and foreign dogs engage in some serious fear and
trembling. Get on your knees and bow before the Almighty
That felt so good
that I posted it on Thomas Paine's Corner,
my blog (and
direct conduit to the Internet).
Almost 150,000 people have visited my humble site since May of
last year, and I vowed that future readers would encounter a
very different animal. Gone would be the focus on human rights and
dignity. War, corporate power, winning
at all costs, Social Darwinism, and the spread of
's version of freedom and democracy would breathe new purpose and
meaning into my pathetically idealistic site.
Bush, a man who I now viewed as a hero, was speaking that day at
from my home).
His presence further strengthened my spirit. Just thinking about his
courageous defense of his noble actions to protect us from
those vile Terrorists gave me goose bumps. I made a mental note to
compose an essay arguing that all Americans need to consider
civil liberties a luxury that must be sacrificed in the face of the
Terrorist threat. Further, I resolved to write a piece to persuade
the American people that Congress and the Supreme Court need to stay
out of Bush's way as he pursues evil men like bin Laden. Bush is a
man of God and we know that we can trust him to do what is best for
our country, our families and for us. Those traitorous Americans who
dare to dissent against him deserve to join the captured Terrorists
for an indefinite stay at
. The Bill of Rights is an impediment to expedient justice and
needs to be re-written, or perhaps simply discarded altogether.
(Note to self: Burn
the ACLU and Amnesty International Cards and tell the wife to direct
future donations to the Heritage Foundation and the Federalist
attention to foreigners , which is what we real
Americans call those pitiable individuals on whom our Christian
God did not bestow the blessing of birth on US soil, I decided
to pen a quick discourse for Thomas Paine's Corner explaining
to them that Americans are morally superior, smarter, stronger,
wealthier, and essentially superior to them:
nation dominates the world, militarily, culturally, and
financially, and those of you who do not embrace the
deserve to wallow in the misery of your limited existence. If
you are not going to play the game by our rules, you do not deserve
the resources you have. If we do not wrest them from you
militarily, we will see to it that our puppets dominate
your governments and enable our powerful corporate entities to
exploit you through free trade agreements. Learn English (the
language we stole from our flunkies across the
) because we will not bother studying your trivial means of
communication. As White
Goodman said in the movie Dodgeball:
better than you, and we know it!"
informed the foreigners (with whom we so generously share the air we
breathe) that they represent mere ants in the afterbirth of our
great nation, I decided it was time to remind them to feel
allows them to continue in their miserable existence. I wanted to
write something that would bring them to the realization that when
they arise each morning, it isn't their chosen deity they need to
thank for making it to another day; it is the
. Simultaneously, I wanted to remind my fellow patriots (and those
skeptical liberal cowards) why the
is such a glorious nation on which God continues to bestow bountiful
Driven by my
renewed sense of purpose, and my blazing passion to follow my
new-found inspiration, mentor, and idol, Charles Krauthammer, I
elected to compile a compelling (yet succinct) detail, an
accounting if you will, of the world's debt to
. Men like Charles were born to deliver sight to the blind and
knowledge to the ignorant. I took a moment and prayed that one day I
would have the strength to carry such a burden, and to do it as well
as Charles. Meanwhile, I vowed to press ahead. Realizing that the
Project for the New American Century must be implemented, regardless
of the human or financial cost, I felt duty bound to quantify the
world's debts to
most certainly validate the PNAC:
While only representing 3% of the population, Americans consume 25%
of the world's resources. We are keeping the other 97% of the
population spiritually healthy. Detachment from the material
world is critical on the path to enlightenment.
We cleared the North American continent of millions of backward,
inferior savages to pave the way for the splendor, beauty, and
glory of our culture and technology.
We civilized millions of savages from the continent of
and allowed them to share our continent. We fed and clothed them in
return for the work they performed. When that was not enough to
satisfy them, we freed them. They did not like a man named Jim Crow,
so we got rid of him. We integrated them into our schools. We even
put them into token positions of power. There is virtually no end to
what we have done for African Americans.
We have been instrumental in ensuring a Jewish homeland in the
Middle East, and have provided
the financial wherewithal to continue in their eradication of those
We had the guts to use atomic weapons to end the war against those
bellicose Japanese. Look how many lives we saved by ending the war!
We showed those artists and wounded soldiers at
not to mess with the
The citizens of
will not soon forget the lesson we taught them during the
We saved over 100,000 Japanese-Americans from retribution by their
fellow citizens as we placed them in protective custody during World
We let nature take its course in
and thereby eliminated an array of problems associated with
those animals living in the Lower Ninth Ward.
We killed over 3 million Communist-loving Vietnamese, and would have
eliminated more if it hadn't been for those pacifist, reefer-smoking
Hippies. Don't even get me started on Jane Fonda. I still wonder how
she evaded execution
for her treason.
We create 25% of the greenhouse gasses, providing a plethora of
carbon dioxide on which plants
trees can thrive.
wouldn't enjoy a warmer climate? Winter is a miserable time of the
year anyway. Those very same people who gripe about "Global
Warming" are the ones who scream the loudest when we deregulate
the utilities (making money is the essence of Capitalism, by God)
and cry about their gas bills being too high when it gets cold.
having killed hundreds of thousands of Iraqis (between the Gulf
War, the post-war economic sanctions, and the
War), we have eliminated a rogue dictator who we now believe was
preparing to acquire weapons of mass destruction. We have also taken
the fight to the Terrorists on their own turf. If we weren't
fighting them in the Middle East, we would be waging war against
or God only knows!
Excuse me a moment; I just got a case of the
As the wealthiest nation in the world, we have the intestinal
fortitude to allow a significant number of our citizens to suffer
homelessness, poverty, and inadequate medical treatment so
that the top 1% of our populace can live as royalty. After all, what kind
of a civilized society would we be without nobility?
We continue cutting unnecessary programs to benefit the poor,
minorities, consumers, education, and working people so we can funnel
incredible sums to our military industrial complex. We are the arms
dealer to the world and our weapons manufacturers make a
fortune, boosting the economy. Our powerful military enables us to
police the globe and keep
We routinely ignore international law,
through nettlesome rules that prevent us from "gittin' er
is a "can do" nation. We don't have time to trifle with
petty laws and rules.
We put John Bolton in the UN. He will finally teach those
American- hating humanitarian idealists that they can do it our way,
or not do it at all.
To our credit, those moral abominations known as homosexuals have
few, if any, protected rights in our nation. In fact, under the
inspired leadership of Bush and his highly competent administration,
we are moving closer to eliminating the Bill of Rights for the
population as a whole. Those individual liberties just make it too
unwieldy to manage the rabble of the poor and working class.
We helped our allies impose brutally oppressive terms on Germany
after WW I, which created a sociopolitical environment in
which Hitler thrived. Despite the ensuing tragedy, misery, and
suffering, the horror of WW II marked the ascent of
to its throne atop the world and gave birth to an economy which
thrives on perpetual war,
a natural and unavoidable aspect of the human
condition. Thank God
is here to manage the inevitable wars by
manufacturing and selling
its implements, waging
it, and creating
new ways to market it to the public.
We implement free trade policies.(Take note of how adroitly we
disguise imposition as negotiation-people seldom
stop to realize that
few of the miniscule nations acquiescing to the free
trade agreements would dare say no to a behemoth like us). These free
trade agreements are bonanzas for our powerful corporations.
Under the "negotiated" terms, they are able to utilize
other countries by tapping their resources and paying their
people the wages their "free"markets
will bear, unfettered by that nonsensical "minimum wage".
In exchange, those ungrateful foreigners get employers who keep
their people off the street (and out of trouble) and a small
percentage of the profits on their resources, which they were too
technologically backward to access
anyway. It is all quite fair.
of half of its territory under the fine guidance of President James
K. Polk and it only cost 25,000 Mexican lives. We are to be
commended for keeping the body count low.
When that ruthless monarch,
Queen Liliuokalani of Hawaii, threatened the corporate
interests of Dole, we annexed her islands. Her people were far
better off living under our democracy than under her despotic rule.
We use depleted uranium in our "conventional" weaponry to
ensure that there is lasting suffering for our conquered foes in the
wake of our wars of necessity.
We wrested control of Guam, Puerto Rico, the
away from those insidious Spaniards (who tainted much of our
Hemisphere with their language,
which most Americans do not understand or want to understand).
We did engage in torture, scorched earth tactics, and the murder of
1,000,000 civilians, but by God we beat those Filipino bastards. We
won and held on to what was ours. In the end, that was all that
mattered in the
We cleverly created the "War on Drugs" as a means to
maintain our corporate domination of Central and South American
countries. Where would those poverty-stricken,
nations be without the free market capitalism our corporations
inject into their economies? I shudder to think.
To act in the best interests of the people (again by protecting our
corporations), we sent financing and equipment to military rulers in
, resulting in the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Communist
peasants (indigenous Mayans). Thank God for the strength Reagan
showed in supporting Rios Montt's Christian campaign, in which he
annihilated 20,000 of those Commie bastards and drove another
100,000 out of the country.
Reagan showed similar mettle in
. Under his leadership, we exterminated another 70,000 subversive
Despite that dreaded Platte Amendment, we held onto
. What a stroke of fortune for the world! Our great nation
has imprisoned some of the world's most dangerous Terrorists at
"Gitmo", and they will not be getting out anytime soon.
To punish Fidel Castro for robbing us of our ability to properly
utilize Cuban people and resources, we have tried to
assassinate or overthrow him on numerous occasions. Castro provided
Cubans with education, jobs and health care. We imposed harsh
sanctions on the Cuban economy that remain in effect today. Despite
our lack of success in removing this Communist scourge from our
Hemisphere, Castro's national health care system (which
wastes money on indigents and the undeserving)
has not infected
. Our capitalist model of health care for profit remains vibrant. We
have done well.
We project an image of altruism by giving more money in foreign aid
than any other nation. However, the American taxpayers
need not worry. The reality is that we contribute a mere
.15% of our
national income, a percentage
which is significantly
lower than at least twenty other countries. We are
miserly with our charity but we look good doing it, and those
ingrates around the globe dam well better appreciate it, even if it
does not involve true sacrifice on our part.
I would love to
have added more to my accounting of the world's debt to our great
nation, but Sunday morning rolled around and I needed to run. My
wife and children were away, but I still had a big day planned to
revel in my
rebirth. As I headed to McDonald's to down a
few McGriddles, I gassed up my Suburban, which only set me back
about $100.00. I made it to the First Cavalry
Church of Christ in time to listen to Pastor
remind his flock that Hugo Chavez is a Terrorist, homosexuals
are morally depraved, the End Times are near (but we will be OK
because we are Rapture-ready), and that we must stand firm and
resolute with our Wartime President. Later, I headed to Wal-Mart to
do some serious shopping with my credit cards. Tired of my
abstemious existence (foolishly struggling stay debt free), I
dropped about $8k on an array of computer and electronics equipment.
Now that is the American Way. Play now and pay later!
I felt ecstatic to save a few bucks and did
not care an iota about the Chinese who had
suffered deplorable working conditions to manufacture the goods I
was buying. I was indifferent to the poverty level wage the clerk
was earning as she rang me up.
As I completed
a few more errands, I tuned in to Angry Man's radio and
listened to the latest rants against the grave domestic threats
posed by liberals and socialists.
And I loved it because I felt validated, and because it drowned
out the sound of my SUV sucking my gas tank dry. I devoted the rest
of my day to manly activities, like watching football and drinking
beer (so I could reassure myself of my heterosexuality). Evening
descended and I
turned on Fox News to
ensure I would get "fair and balanced" coverage. They
showed Cheney drumming up support for the war against
. I found myself nodding emphatic agreement when he said that we had
to consider military options because the fundamentalist Islamic
government was months away from developing nuclear weapons. War.
Must make war. War. Must make war. That little chant ran through my
head for several minutes, even after the Cheney segment was over. It
had a rhythmic, almost hypnotic quality to it. Goddamn those
Later in the
evening, I delved into The Savage Nation for
more powerful insight into the leftist cancer eating away at
. After a couple of chapters, mental fatigue set in and I could no
longer read. My thoughts wandered to a Website I had recently
spotted called Jihad Unspun. I felt the rage
welling up inside me. Those filthy Muslims contaminate our
minds with their propaganda and threaten our way of life with
their Terrorism. That sealed it for me. Tomorrow I would change the
name of my blog from Thomas Paine's Corner
to Neocon Unspun
to counter those
bastards. My anger subsided and slowly shifted
to joy as I began planning my revamped site format. Finally closing
my eyes, I smiled contentedly as I recalled the images of "Old
Glory" and Charles Krauthammer, both of which had been
indelibly etched into my mind. God bless the
and thank you for Neoconning me, Charles.
is a 39 year old activist writer with a degree in liberal arts. When
he is not spending time with his wife and three sons, researching,
or writing, he is working as a loan counselor. He
is a member of Amnesty International and an avid supporter of Oxfam
International and Human Rights Watch. He welcomes responses at firstname.lastname@example.org
or comments on his blog, Thomas Paine's Corner, at